Posted in Arena, Growth Edge, Heartbreak, Journal, Spiritual

Fractured Faith

For the last year I have really been struggling with my faith.  I was raised in a conservative Christian culture, church 3 times a week, pray before every meal and at night, the Bible is 100% accurate (even if we can’t understand it always), etc, etc, etc.  But a year ago my faith was challenged to the point of failure.  I stopped believing in a caring God that knew and loved me.  I no longer could fathom how a God that claims to love us all so much would allow such pain, hurt and suffering into our lives, especially for someone that at one point was looking to be a pastor and dedicate his life to sharing His message.

Then in March, I had a Kundalini Awakening LinkOut that flipped my world upside down.  I was and am being taught things that challenge and in many cases completely upset my understanding of who God is and what is truth.  Most of what I believed as truth has been challenged and I am having a hard time figuring out what to believe.  I used to believe everything the Bible says… now not so much.  When the thing you believed was rock solid is proven to be filled with holes what do you believe in anymore?  How do you separate the truth from the lies and falsehoods?

some_money_for_crumbling_foundations_moved_elsewhere

22e37b2f13911af312a2731e16863aeaThe foundation of my world view has crumbled from under me, and I am feeling like I am falling into an abyss of darkness.  What is true?  What is real?  Who/What do I believe now?  My faith has taken me through the hardest parts of my life.  The belief that there was an all knowing, all powerful God who loved me and knew what the future held for me was comforting.  The idea that no matter what happened, God was still there and knew what He was doing and was allowing things to happen for a reason.  Now I wonder was that faith based on lies and half-truths?  Does everything that happen to us have a purpose or is “god” just as flawed as us and unable to protect my future?

The hurts and pains I have been through have hardened me, made me less caring, less loving and more isolated than ever in my life.  I am rarely on social media anymore and even more rarely will I post anything.  I just have no interest in interacting with people for the most part.  Oh sure, I still interact with people in the pursuit of my life, but really, if I am honest, I would be OK if I only ever interacted with the few friends I have now.  I don’t really want to make new friends.  My daughter calls me anti-social.  I guess I am.  I posted a quote today about The Worst Sin.  I guess I am guilty of this sin now.

41oe9zvksklI know this is a depressing post, but really it is not that I am giving up.  I’m not giving up or quitting, but I do feel lost in this journey.  I have two good friends that are there for me and provide me a lot of love and support, but this is still something I need to do on my own.  As much as I would like no one can really do this for me.  I can get guidance and help from others, but a spiritual journey is really a very personal experience.  I meditate and will be doing some specific rituals from a book “The Quick and Dirty On the Divine Feminine LinkOut” this week to focus my energies into a more positive direction. I am also working to figure out what is blocking my heart chakra and causing this “disconnection” from people.  I also do believe there is a God that loves me, but I am not 100% sure anymore who He is.  I am seeking after Him to understand who He is and how the Divine works.

I would welcome any feedback, suggestions or encouragement you might want to give in the comments below.

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The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity.

George Bernard Shaw

[Quote] The Worst Sin

Posted in Arena, Emotions, Vulnerability

Being Supporting… No Matter What

I was challenged lately with the question, would I be there, supportive, for anyone in the world, even someone I do not like.  And a follow up question that shouldn’t we all want to be there?  The discussion was around how many people die alone without anyone even there to hold their hand.

This has really bothered me since the talk.  I mean how many people in the world would I really be there for, whom I would hold their hand and be there as they passed from this life into the next.  I could only come up with two people.  What is wrong with me?  Should I of all people care more than this?  Be willing to give more than this?

There was a time in my life that I would have willingly done much more than I want to do today.  I have suffered heartbreaking experiences that have changes me in ways I don’t fully understand.  I have being working lately on something that I saw in a meditation, something personal that I have not blogged about.  I get the impression that my heart chakra is “damaged,” blocked or completely shut off.  I’m leaning toward damaged based on what I see and feel.

I would describe it as calcified, hardened.  There are a few people that I have inside my heart, but I am not sure any other people will be able to get in.  This worries me and is not a way I want to live my life, but how do you soften your heart?  How do you become vulnerable again when there is so many deep wounds and scars?

Someone I know just had open heart surgery, one has cancer, one has multiple sclerosis and another has to go in for open heart surgery soon.  Of these four people, only one do I really care about and pray for.  How can I be so “cold?”  That is how I feel about it, and part of me doesn’t want to change that.  That part of me tells me I am “safer” this way, less vulnerable and more protected from hurt.  The one person that I do care about I am worried sick about and I struggle with a correct balance of my emotions and my inability to help.   I’m getting better at this, but it is not easy.

So, how do you show your support and love to someone whom you are not able to help?  How do you be there when you physically can’t?  And how do I (and we) care about and show empathy and compassion for everyone around you that is hurting and needs support?

EDIT:

Another article LinkOut on this same topic.